Letter to the National Post by Allan O'Marra
Below is a letter I sent to the National Post on Thursday, March 23, 2000 (not published -- but I did get a return e-mail from an editor who had written a terrific series of articles on the issue of fathers' rights that appeared in the Post, thanking me for my submission).
To the Editor:
I read with great interest an article in the March 23rd Post about the unfortunate suicide of Darrin White, the B.C. father who could not cope with his marital separation and the onerous support order that he was facing. His dilemma has been picked up by groups who monitor the inequality and injustice fathers confront when they appear in family court in this country -- and I must join those voices, given my recent and historical personal experiences in seeking reasonable decisions before Family Court justices.
My first appearance in my present case (unfortunately I've been down this road before) was for a Case Conference in early January of this year. The judge decided to make a summary recommendation -- with the warning that, "If this case goes to trial, I can guarantee you that the rulings would be the same as the recommendations I am about to make." Because my wife did not want us to share custody of the children, the judge pronounced that joint custody, as I proposed, would not be workable and recommended that my wife have sole custody (SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE OPPOSED IT); because my wife did not want my children to have overnight access with me, and the judge pronounced that overnight access was "over-rated anyway" he recommended against it (SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE OPPOSED IT). He recommended that my access with the children be one weekend day and one weekday evening; I had proposed two weekday evenings and one weekend day, with overnights (SHE OPPOSED THIS).
I felt I had no option than to accept his recommendation on custody -- even though I am a completely devoted father and came to court with a comprehensive and well-thought-out Parenting Plan.
I brought a motion for overnight access back to court for an interim order early this month, with affidavit material that my lawyer and I felt supported my case, in front of the same judge, unfortunately and (surprise, surprise), he dismissed my motion and proceeded to grant my wife sole custody, access as he had previously recommended and ordered child support in the amount of $907 per month (added to the $560 I pay for an older daughter from a previous marriage). The issue of spousal support is still outstanding, but the judge has recommended for it, even though my wife makes half the income I do and is fully capable of making as much as I do. I cannot afford the total support that has been ordered, let alone any incremental spousal support, based on my net monthly income and my usual monthly expenses. I am seriously in debt from general credit card / bank loans, as well as personal loans from friends and family to cover my legal fees. Quite frankly, I don't know how I will survive financially.
To add insult to injury, at the end of the recent court appearance, my wife's lawyer demanded court costs for her -- since I had lost on my frivolous motion -- proposing.. ohh.. $1,000, off the top of his head; the judge thought for a second, then gave me my only break of the day: "$700", he ordered.
I feel tremendous empathy for the host of fathers who are put in the same bind as Mr. White and me. Luckily, I have excellent emotional and spiritual resources -- plus the unconditional support of a tremendous circle of family and friends. And I hold the emotional and financial well-being of my children as an absolute in my life. So, suicide is not something I would ever contemplate. Those fathers who do not have the self-control, the verbal skills and the support resources that I have are no match for the machinations and frustrations of dealing with lawyers, judges and the SYSTEM of family law, especially since it is biased against them anyway. No wonder we hear, all too often, the sad stories of the Darrin Whites who kill themselves and, even more tragically often their ex and the children as well.
Even though I had walked through the "Valley of the Shadow of Death" that constitutes marital breakdown (with children) and appearance in Family Court before; and even though I worked for five years with a father's rights group (I'm damn near being a para-legal as a result), and went to court fully prepared, I lost on all counts SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM A MAN. Officials in the family court system may declare that the well-being of children is their paramount concern. This is simply untrue. My experience and what I consistently hear and read is that they consider mothers to be the only appropriate primary caregiver and relegate fathers, on a continuous basis, to the status of visitor with their children and weigh them down with financial obligations that are far beyond their means. Something has to be done about this. Or stories like that of Mr. White will continue to be on the front page of publications such as yours.
Allan O'Marra